The Mustache

Middle age is the strangest age I have ever been in. It can be fun, painful, and somewhat insane. You have possibly had children so your body is beginning to sag. You can’t see without two pair of glasses. You pee. You pee a lot. In fact, you limit your liquid intake by 7 p.m. so you don’t have to pee at 2:30 a.m. You begin to say things like “thanks for the blinker, moron”, “that is too spicy”, “that needs salt”, and “why is the bathroom in the BACK of the store”. You grow hair. Like hair that shouldn’t be there.

Occasionally I get a long nose hair, so I drag out my reading glasses, a mirror, a flashlight, and the tweezers. This is the beginning of torture. Usually it takes quite a few tries before I finally get a grip on the right one. Translation: I just ripped out seven nose hairs that were just minding their business protecting me from stuff in the air. By that time my eyes are completely blurry with tears and my nose is dripping like a water faucet.

Today… ohhhh today…. I had one tickling. I tried the nose blowing technique, the sly “poke it back in” technique, the finger pinch then rip technique, then finally broke down and got out the tools. As I was leaning over the mirror with my phone light pointing up my nose I discovered that I had a dark line above my lip. I. Have. A. Mustache. When did this happen?

Every once in a while I get a certain “whisker” on my little chinny chin chin. I can feel it when I use the sensitive tip of my finger and rub it backwards like a cat being aggravated by a toddler. It’s a minor nuisance. I yank it out and move on. But THIS? It cannot be remedied by a yank or two. No, this is going to be some serious stuff. Waxing or threading? I get my eyebrows done occasionally when I start looking wolf mannish. The waxing is quick and the pain is usually short lived but it causes me a little breakout (usually one giant pimple out at the edge by my temple). Threading on the other hand is usually incredibly painful, BUT doesn’t make me have any further skin blemishes after it is done. The threading studio in our local mall is run by some lovely Indian ladies that enjoy causing pain because they are always smiling as my eyes pour tears and my nose runs. They hand me a tissue and a mirror to check it out, but I never can see through the tears so I just nod and pay my $10 while I stumble to the restroom beside them to regain my composure.

I had planned on writing a inspirational post today to uplift women and help them realize it is time to have fun and stop worrying about feeling inferior about their bodies. The journey I am on right now has me feeling like I’m not honoring myself enough so I’ve been studying and reading and learning a lot, but then I found the mustache. I got completely derailed.

Thank goodness I have my lavender oil with me to soothe my wretched lip and wolf man brows this afternoon because I’m not brave enough to do this job myself like other women. No thanks. I’ll just pay someone to tear out my dignity so tomorrow I can pick it back up… maybe I’ll write a soft inspirational piece tomorrow but for today this is what you get. Bushy bushy boo boo.

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